Happy new year everyone!
Sorry I didn’t post a new blog in January. I planned on writing a review of Apple TV’s Shrinking and how you absolutely need to watch it, but I got sidetracked due to starting a new job. Although I’m enjoying my new, more senior role, the job has occupied a lot of my time and has made it difficult for me to keep the blog updated.
If you’re not a part of my newsletter, I also sent out an announcement to my readers that I would no longer be sending out monthly newsletters. Long story short, I only want to use the newsletter to promote books, exclusives, promotions, discounts, etc. It is not meant as an extension of the blog.
My blog, however, I’d like to use more frequently to post whatever random thoughts I have. I don’t want everything to be “SEO friendly” but I do want to use this space to talk about topics that are of interest to me. One of those topics is–
A Bitter Winter: Second Edition
Born out of necessity rather than desire, A Bitter Winter second edition is the result of a small edit gone out of control. All I wanted to do was fix some dialogue, polish some scenes, and upload a version of the book to the Google Play store. However, as I reread the book to get myself reacquainted with the content, I found a lot of small mistakes and weak writing that annoyed me. There were numerous instances of passive voice, character filtering, “Cindy saw, she felt, Cindy heard.” And dialogue that didn’t feel natural or representative of the character’s personality.
Then, as I got deeper into the book, I kept finding more instances where I could make the prose better, more engaging. I managed to add vivid descriptions which increased the word count but somehow made the book slightly shorter than the original.
Also, I didn’t want to upload the second edition without having a new font and logo.
I don’t know if you’ve seen the Silver Pencil Books logo in print, but it looks like a QR code of gibberish. From far away the logo font becomes invisible and the pencil looks like a stick.
I also needed to do something about The Silver Ninja: A Bitter Winter typeface. The style of the text and the fonts I was using were hard to read in thumbnail form. You could see The Silver Ninja, but A Bitter Winter blended into the background.
A talented graphic designer by the name of Jackson Alves helped redesign the typeface of my book and it looks significantly better. He’s also created a new version of my Silver Pencil Books logo which looks amazing!
Check out Jackson’s website here: https://jacksonalves.com/
I realized I needed to create a second edition when I reached the infamous Chapter 10: Once Human.
This is the chapter where Cindy finally gets her suit and undergoes a dramatic and horrifying transformation.
In the original edit of the book, as I read through previous chapters, I realized that the characters did a terrible job of warning Cindy not to take the suit. For example, when Cindy asks “What would have happened that night if I had the suit?” Michael went on this long sales pitch of, “Well you’d have super strength, bulletproof armor, and superhuman reflexes.” Not exactly something a person would say to discourage someone from taking a dangerous object.
Most of the dialogue in Chapter 9 didn’t have the right tone. So I rewrote the dialogue to basically say, “This suit will permanently change you into something and we don’t know what that something is.” I took away the sexiness of the suit and replaced it with danger.
Once Cindy took the suit, the transformation was supposed to be a mixture of being devoured by a creature while also transforming into a hulking woman. A body horror similar to a cult movie called Guyver. (Actually, Guyver was pretty gross, so maybe not that extreme.)
As I was editing the book, I realized the changes to Cindy’s body could be used as an important storytelling element. Specifically, tension. The suit, made her bigger, kind of like Venom or Hulk. So whenever she got upset, her body would start to change in front of people. If the suit activated, there was no telling what she would do. I needed Cindy to be afraid of the monster inside of her. That way, when she realizes what she’s done, she can make meaningful changes to become a hero.
The new edition is also a lot spicier than the original, and I’ll explain why.
Sex is a tricky topic when it comes to books. It is easily exploited, grossly overused, and when written poorly, it can ruin a great novel. Sex doesn’t have to be either of these things. It’s an activity to express love, desire, and intimacy.
Cindy and Jonas are a young couple of two years, it makes sense that the two should want to boink each other. There are technically no sex scenes in The Silver Ninja: A Bitter Winter but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get hot and heavy.
I wrote these scenes because the sex symbolized a time when Cindy’s life was great. She wasn’t obsessed with revenge, her husband was doting on her, they went on dates, and parties. Then her partner gets murdered, she gets shot, her sister gets put into a coma, and her drinking goes out of control.
The scenes I wrote run up to the edge of explicit and pull back before any beds start squeaking. I think it’s written tastefully enough to pique the reader without crossing over into erotica. I’d share on the blog but you’ll just have to pick up a copy of the book to read them.
How about some before and afters?
I’m quite proud of the work I’ve done on the 2nd edition and damn it, I want to show off what I changed!
WARNING – STRONG LANGUAGE AHEAD.
Original: Michael is supposed to tell Cindy the suit is dangerous. Here’s how it is in the original. (You will immediately see why I had to change this.)
“Clearly.”
She let out a shuddering breath and confessed a secret desire. “I wish I had that suit.”
“SIRCA?”
She nodded.
“I . . . can’t argue with that.”
“What would’ve happened if I had worn the suit? And be brutally honest.”
Michael seemed surprised by her question. He pushed his glasses up his nose and answered. “Well for starters you would have been bulletproof. From the time they opened the door to the time you realized you were in danger, SIRCA could have been activated. Your legs would have regrown their muscle tissue and your strength would have increased exponentially. Tackling you would be like trying to tackle a utility pole.”
She remembered how quickly her strength had faded. If only it had lasted a little longer, things would have ended differently. Michael rattled on. “If they got you in the car and you changed then, your hand wouldn’t have burned and you could have punched your way out of the car. You would’ve easily been able to pull Jadie to safety.” Michael adjusted his glasses. “It is after all, designed for combat.”
His words were insensitive, but that was what she wanted, the honest truth.
“I want it.”
2nd Edition: (Same scene but now Cindy has scolded Michael for asking too many dumb questions.)
Michael coiled back. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
She blinked rapidly and immediately waved her hand in front of her face. “I’m sorry.” She touched her head. “I’m not in a good headspace.”
“Understandable.”
She let out a shuddering breath and spoke the secret desire in her mind. “I need that suit.”
“SIRCA?”
She nodded.
“For what?”
“Don’t be dense.”
“To look for that killer? That’s crazy.”
“How is that crazy? You guys showed me what the suit can do. If I had the suit, none of this would have happened.”
“Right, but the suit isn’t a gun you pull out of a locked drawer. It’s a weapon that changes your physiology for a combat environment.”
“Newsflash, I was in combat.”
“No, you don’t get it. We’re talking about a physical transformation. One that you cannot reverse. SIRCA will tune your body for aggression and violence. I don’t think you want that.”
She remembered how quickly her strength had dissipated. If only it had lasted a few seconds longer, things would have ended differently.
“Wrong. My money helped pay for it. I want it.”
“Umm.” Michael fidgeted in his seat. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“You’re okay with seeing Jadie like this?”
Wilmar’s notes* This scene is a perfect example of why I wanted to change the dialogue. Michael’s intent was to dissuade Cindy from wanting the suit. Instead, he gives her a sales pitch of all the cool and amazing things she could have done if she had it.
I also didn’t feel that Cindy was angry enough in this scene. When something out of our control happens to someone we love, we tend to lash out at the people who want to help us. Cindy’s dialogue needed more heat while Michael’s needed to be more cautionary. They are small but important changes.
Original: (Cindy finally confronts one of the men responsible for killing her partner. The same man who almost killed her. This is supposed to be a climactic moment.)
The thug slowly turned his head in disbelief. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Her helmet split down the middle of her face. The silver alloy pulled away from her skin and unfurled her hair which had been knotted up in braids. She grabbed the top of his bald head. “Remember me now, Princess?”
“No way, it can’t be.”
“Tell me where Ned is and I might let you go.”
“I don’t know.”
She yanked his head back. “Wrong answer.” And slammed his face to the floor.
“I swear I don’t know!” He squirmed under her hand.
“Where’s Ned? Why isn’t he here?”
“I told you I don’t know!”
She hammered his face into the floor and picked his head up again. A string of blood stretched from his nose. “Answer me!”
“He’s on a job, didn’t tell us where.” The lieutenant squirmed. “He just told us to watch the boat. We haven’t heard from him since.” He looked into her eyes. “Please. You ain’t gonna kill me right? It wasn’t personal. I was just following orders.”
“It wasn’t personal for you, but it was to me.”
She buried his skull into the steel floor paneling. The metal concaved and filled with his dark liquid. “Your boss is next.”
Second Edition: (Same scene but with more sensory details and emotion added.)
The thug paid her no mind. He continued pulling himself by the elbows towards the grated staircase. “Aw, you trying to escape?” Cindy spoke in a baby voice. “Wittle man wants to leave?”
“Get away from me,” he yelled. “You psychotic bitch!”
“That’s not nice.” Her voice deepened. Then she grabbed his shirt and rolled him onto his back. “You already forget what I did to your friends?”
“Please.” Even his tears wanted to run away from her. “I didn’t do nothing to you.”
“You didn’t?” Cindy crouched over his hips. “You don’t remember me?”
He shook his head no.
“You locked me in a freight container so your boss could set it on fire.”
The look on his face suggested utter cluelessness. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Her helmet split down the middle. The silver alloy pulled away from her nose, her eyes, and unfurled her hair, which had been knotted up in braids. She grabbed the top of his bald head. “Remember me now, Princess?”
“No way. You were that girl cop. What the fuck happened to you?”
“I got bigger.” She squeezed his head and made the veins in his head bulge. “Stronger.” Then she let go. “And I want answers.”
“Fuck!”
“Where’s Ned?”
“I don’t know.”
With a loud thud, she slammed his head onto the metal floor; the sound reverberated through the cavernous ship. “Try again.”
“Augh!” He grabbed onto the back of his skull while wincing in pain. “I swear, I don’t know!” She placed her palms on his cheeks and pressed inward. His head reddened from the growing pressure.
“Tell me what I want to know, or you’re going to find out how strong I really am.”
“I told you I don’t know!”
His cheekbones popped, then crunched inward as she pushed her hands together. He howled in agony and pounded her arms, which clanged like pots. “Last chance!”
“A job! A job! He didn’t tell us where.” He sobbed all over her metallic hand. “He told us to watch the boat. That’s it, I swear. Please, you have to believe me.” He looked into her eyes. “You win. I surrender. It wasn’t personal. I was just following orders.”
“Wasn’t… personal?” A touch of adrenaline flooded her system and caused her muscles to stretch and swell. “Shooting me dead, burning my partner, hurting my sister, wasn’t… personal?” She kept growing bigger and bigger, with no signs of stopping.
“What the fuck is happening to you?”
The machine had made her monstrous in size. Tears welled in her eyes after the thug reduced her life to a mere business transaction. “You ruined my life!” Spittle flew from her mouth as she slammed him against the metal wall with a thunderous crash. “You made me this way!” Her voice no longer sounded human. It was as if a demon possessed her.
SIRCA continued to pump her body full of drugs and chemicals that were exacerbating her already out-of-control state. The machine wanted her to bathe in fury, to tear apart anyone that got in her way. Cindy could not resist its influence because —
—she didn’t want to.
(The way she ends this dude in the book is brutal. I definitely cannot share it in this blog.)
*Wilmar’s notes: A few things I want to point out here. This scene was supposed to be a pivotal moment for Cindy. It is the first time she comes face to face with one of the men responsible for the death of her partner. A man who taunted and toyed with her while killing her friend.
So, imagine my disappointment when I re-read the original edit and saw how underwhelming the confrontation was. A huge moment ended with an anticlimactic and underwhelming use of lethal force. This scene needed an overhaul.
At this point of the story, Cindy’s mental state has diminished due to the use of combat drugs given to her by the suit. She’s killed a hundreds of bad guys, and now she’s on a drunk power trip where she feels completely invincible and in control. But all that confidence shatters when the thug barely recognizes her and doesn’t remember what he did to her.
I also decided to use the suit as a way to physically display Cindy’s anger and loss of control. In this scenario, I think the classic “hulk out” is extremely effective. It’s an easy and visible way to create drama without dialogue or violence. We fear big things because they make us feel small and weak. Cindy’s not a big woman herself, so to have her grow and tower over a robust man changes the dynamics of who is in control and who the monster is.
In conclusion,
I personally feel this edition of A Bitter Winter is the definitive version of the book I always wanted to write. I’m sure in another 10 years I’ll look at the prose and think on how I could make it better. But I’ve made enough changes to feel comfortable in not having to touch this book ever again. The only exception is if I have to update front/back matter or if I find a glaring typo.
Thanks for rea–
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up! What happened to the horror book?
Ah, right. Sanctifiction: The Darkness at Home.
That was supposed to come out in January.
That was my intended goal but it wasn’t an official date.
So, when is it coming out?
*Sighs* Okay, here’s what happened.
I got my notes back from my editor and started working through them. At some point, I hit a wall and realized this was way more work than I thought it would be. My editor said one of the side characters had more agency than my main detective.
Eventually, because Halloween was over, my interest in writing horror waned and I started experimenting with editing A Bitter Winter. I gave Sanctifiction a big break so I could take another crack at it with fresh eyes.
This may sound like I’m nowhere near finished but that’s not completely true. I finished the story back in December but I wasn’t happy with the final product. I didn’t want to repeat the same mistake I did with The Silver Ninja 2012 and find myself editing, re-editing, rebooting a book.
Therefore, I don’t feel TDAH is ready for the public. Although it is important to produce books quickly and sacrifice a tiny bit of quality. I feel that a debut book needs to have your best foot forward because it is setting the standard for the rest of the series. I don’t want my debut horror story to be a dud.
If you made it this far, WHEW! Thank you! It’s been difficult finding time to work on all these projects but I am very excited for the projects I’ve managed to finish. The second edition of A Bitter Winter should be ready by April or June. A lot of elements need to be updated, but the good news I finished most of it back in February.
*Blog updated to include link to Jackson Alves’s website and a minor typo fix. Check out his work here! https://jacksonalves.com/
